...of the Buffer Lunch invite

As you would suspect, my social calendar is quite full. It really is a wonder how I find time to blog and watch tv at all. I could seriously lose about 30 pounds if not for all the lunches I'm attending. Now, while I often get multiple invites a week, it is not terribly unusual for me to get a text asking to meet for coffee. This should be a clue to as to the closeness of our relationship, if you are inviting me to "coffee" you apparently are not an A tier friend. I do not like coffee.

I do like socializing, and there are other drinks available at most coffee shops, so I will usually go just for fun. About two years ago, there began an alarming trend in one circle.

She "Coffee today?"

Me "sure, where?"

She "not sure, coffee shop by mall?"

Me "sure, time?"

She "never mind, so and so can't make it"

Excuse me???? Did you just uninvite me to coffee? After that I always waited until the second text to get involved. Saving myself from the pain and humiliation of being uninvited to an event that I don't terribly enjoy in the first place.

I will let you know that I am always game for going out. I mean really, unless I'm solving crime or curing cancer, what could be more important to making a friend? As long as it doesn't interfere too severely in my family life, I will try to hang with the girls if presented the opportunity.

Several months ago, the universe ramped it up a notch. I got an Evite to a lunch. I RSVP'd in the affirmative. A week later a follow up was received. I again RSVP'd in the affirmative. Then an email. YES, I'M COMING TO LUNCH. By my count, that is five exchanges. I even turned down another invite as invite B interfered with invite A. Then, the regrets email. Invite A could not attend our 5 email confirmed lunch because it conflicted with invite B. Invite B was issued at least a week after invite A. What happened to, "sorry invite B, I cannot attend, I HAVE PLANS." It officially became what my A tier friends and I refer to as the "Buffer Lunch".

This morning, waiting in my in box was another invite to a Buffer Lunch. I am legitamately busy that day. Do you think they will change their plans because I cannot attend? I wonder if I am anyone's buffer. I doubt it.

I did some forensic accounting of my A tier friends and came up with questions that they have asked me at one point in our relationship. Maybe if you know the answers before hand, we can skip over the awkward get to know me stage. I realize I must be terribly intimidating.

1. Yes, these are my real boobs. They have not been surgically altered. I do not have access to the super padded bra, just good genes.

2. No, I have never liked coffee. I like Coke.

3. We do not discuss my "foster" children. They realize that if we had gotten the go ahead to adopt them, they would know. Trust me, you will all know.

So, apparently what is getting in the way of me making new, non buffer friends, are my boobs. I have been asked about them during Bible study, at a funeral, and of course anywhere that a bathing suit is the required attire.

I kid of course. It is quite tempting to take a buffer with me everywhere, that way I don't have to put myself out there. I know there is at least one person there that I can talk to, but then how would I expand my circle of friends? I need enough A tiers to fill up my empty speed dial numbers. The only way to do that is that make more friends, which I cannot do if I don't have to talk to new people. I have to forego the buffer. If you require one, please confirm with the buffer before you extend the invite to me.