Friday, January 16, 2009

...it didn't go quite like I'd planned

Oh, there are sooooo many things in my life that I desperately wanted, at the time that I wanted them. So, many things that thwarted those plans. So many times I yelled at God for not letting me have it my way.

Had I gotten what I wanted in the second grade my name would now be M-I-crooked letter - crooked letter - E - crooked letter - crooked letter- H - I - hump back - hump back - Y. Unfortunately I was not thankful that I was spared that sing song nightmare until I was in my thirties. I had long since given up on the boy, but didn't realize the bullet I had dodged until recently.

I would not have gotten pregnant at 18, or 21. Nor would I have gotten pregnant at 27, because at 27 my reality was that I already had two kids, and was done.

Were I able to have the same kids at a different time, I would, but since I can't...I also know that the outcome of my life would be completely different.

I would not have gotten pregnant for the third time, but my new husband didn't have any children of his own, I really wanted for him to have that, but did not care so much for myself to have that. Had I not, I would not know what a wonderful experience it is to have children and a loving husband at the same time. Who could know these things? Oh yeah, God.

I would also not know what a wonderful experience the whole mother thing could be. I loved every second of my third child's life. Still do. He's awesome, and yet the least dramatic of all, which is why he has so little air time. What is fun about, gets up on his own every morning, unloads the dishwasher, waits patiently for me to make pancakes and then tell me how wonderful they are, gets ready for school with zero drama, comes home and immediately does all homework, plays quietly, entertains himself? Well, darn near everything. And as sweet as can be.

Having that as my new experience I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanted to have another child. My husband convinced me that said child did not necessarily need to come out of my body. Neither of us really enjoyed the whole, me being pregnant thing. Still, I really wanted to be. He ended up getting snipped, and we did the whole foster thing.

That being said, we didn't want to be a revolving door of kids. We wanted to take in some, adopt them and get on with our lives. 21 kids later......

We really wanted our oldest to be our oldest and our youngest to be our youngest. Putting the ages we agreed to take between four and 12. That didn't happen. We learned a lot. Foremost in my mind that if there is ever an opportunity to take a kid and keep it forever that we had to do it. Foster care sucks for children.

We took on babies with the understanding it would be temporary. FOUR YEARS AGO. We kept the babies with the understanding it would be resolved. THREE YEARS AGO.

This being our new understanding of normal. I am glad that I am not in control of all of this. I understand that God has orchestrated the universe to unveil my beauty. Had we resolved this matter three years ago, I would not have had any reason to complain, therefore I would have no reason to write. Without my writing I would never have "met" most of you. Without fostering I would not have met a lot of my really good RL friends. Two of my very best RLBFF's are a byproduct of fostering. As are three of my kids.

I want so many things so desperately. My nature would have me strive to take control of this situation. That doesn't work out so much, but it is so much our nature. Just ask Sarah how well the whole Ishmael and Isaac thing worked out. She saw no way to trust God for His promise. She orchestrated thousands of years of war. While it is unlikely that we will ever orchestrate such chaos, you never know. When we get a promise from God, we just have to trust that He will work it out in His time, and be thankful that He knows what He's doing.

4 comments:

hsmomma5 said...

Deep, profound, beautiful!!!

Rachel said...

I agree with hsmomma5. Amen, Annie! I love what you wrote today, and I love that I get to peek into your life regularly. Oh--and I'm so glad God ignores so many of my requests.

Amy said...

You are so right. That old cheesy song "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers" comes to mind.

Very true.

Tracey said...

I am there with you! Great post and so true!

Click this and I will send you flair:)

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