...no looking back

No, I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be, anymore. Anytime I do, I am reminded just how imperfect I am. I am being perfected. Every day I must choose to lose some bad, to make room for some good. It sounds easy, but the bad seems so good.

I struggle everyday. On days I'm not struggling, I'm happy until I realize I must not be doing enough to show up on the devil's radar. I am too much, yet not enough.

I'm reading a book by Craig Groeschel called Going All the Way. It's about how to have a God honoring marriage. I don't usually read Christian books on marriage. They all scream the same thing to me. You did it all wrong. It's not very far into this book that the author says that he didn't do it all right either.


I was raised on 15 hours of soap operas a week and one hour of church a week did little to balance that out. When I got older I traded tv for church camp, the message repeated over and over was NO SEX. My favorite was the little skit about basketball players who shared their shoes and their feet became infected, a lovely picture. What they neglected to say was not everybody gets to choose.


My earliest realization that something was not right was when my brother and sister were talking about a new baby was coming to our house. I was seven at the time and upset that I couldn't take care of a baby. A friend was kind enough to tell me that I couldn't have a baby unless someone had touched me with their penis. That was meant to be comforting, it wasn't. Unfortunately, I was trusting enough to remain clueless for a long time. I was special, I was teacher's pet. I didn't know that normal men didn't take 12 year old girls to concerts in other towns. I didn't realize he knew it was wrong until I ran into him as an adult and he wouldn't even look at me. He'd assumed that I'd probably figured it out by then, I hadn't.



Pick up most books on marriage and compare it to mine, it will predict a horrible ending for my husband and me. Christian or secular it doesn't matter the forecast is the same, that's why I don't read them. I had decided to read this one, because for one I really enjoyed one of Craig Groeschel's other books, and enjoy lifechurch.tv. Again, me reading books on marriage is like reading in your horoscope that your whole day will suck, might as well stay home, it's written in the stars.

This is also why I don't watch the news. I am not advocating not being informed, but yesterday I watched the news, heard about a mall shooting, eight dead. A church shooting, five dead. A beat down at a KFC, one 61 year old grandma dead. The economy sucks, we're microwaving the earth, polar bears are dieing. If I watched the news everyday it wouldn't be long before I lost all hope. I'll skip the news and read my bible.

What I did like about the book was that he admits he's not perfect. Finally, someone who doesn't have their act together admitting it. If you're not married, it is probably very helpful on how to date in a Godly way, I'm not there, never was. I'm not saying that writing a book is easy, but maybe I'll write one called...God doesn't remember your past, so forget about it. It's main lesson, one that Lot's wife learned the hard way, never look back, only where you are going, and I'm going home.