Friday, March 21, 2008

I wanna go home

Our three year old boy has been saying this all week. No doubt, in my mind, something prompted by a visit with Mama earlier in the week. Our first question to him is "where's home?". His answer, "here", not likely the response Mama anticipated.

I don't know if Mama thinks there may still be some hope for them to return to her home, or if she is trying to use the kids to upset me. The words are not what bother me, it's the four year old wondering if I will get to see him later. Remember, this boy has lived in six other homes, he has legitimate fear that one day I won't be there.

Even a week ago I was resolved to let this case go where it may. I told myself that if it were God's will I'd even help Mama get her kid's back. This case has been so weird and unusual I wonder on a daily basis what my role here is....that was until I talked to the four year old. He was wondering where Mama lived. I'll spare the details, but the conversation ended with him asking if he could live at home forever. Remembering we've established that home is here.

That got my mind going. I can hardly get out the door at childrens' church, could I really think that I could ever hand the babies that have lived in our home for three years to a stranger, who would take them to a strange place. Could I answer their pleadings of "mom where are you going and when will you be back?" Decidedly not. I dislike the histrionics of born of the heart families who make a transition home worse, I get it, but would hope that I would make it easier on the kids.

I cannot conceive the thought of that scene. I know that for "privacy" reasons I would not be allowed to take the kids to Mama's house. I know that it would be handled by a transporter. A person who is hired by CPS to do this regularly. I can't imagine they can have too many feelings left. I know what it does to the CPS workers, I've seen several come in ready to change the world, and leave a year later with no wind left in their sails.

I cannot imagine not knowing where my babies are, neither can I imagine my babies wondering where their family is and why they aren't coming. I can't imagine the hope they'd lose when they gave up the hope we were coming. Of course the other side can argue that as well. Mama can say "I don't know where my babies are." the difference? I have done nothing to harm these kids. I don't date men who terrorize my children. I have provided a home, a vehicle and financial support for them. I tolerate the endless visits from CPS, from licensing, the looking in my fridge and cupboards. The annual moving of the smoke alarms. I have complied with all the senseless requests and have a ready answer for whatever questions are presented. I haven't been in jail and wouldn't have tested positive for drugs.

Does this make me a better person? No. Just one who is making better choices. I'm not going to let Mama suck me into her game. I'm not going to coach the kids to tell her they already live at home. I'm going to deal with my frustrations with raising three pre-schoolers, with the help of my husband. And I'm going to rest assured that my kids ARE home and pray that the state will soon figure it out.

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Cast of Characters

  • BOB - Born of the body children
  • BOTH - Born of the heart children
  • Roran aka Big Girl - 18 year old BOB daughter - recently booted from the nest
  • Big Boy - 15 year old BOB son
  • Radical - 9 year old BOB son who fyi is not RAD
  • Felpsy aka lil middle - 4 year old BOTH boy who is RAD and is the cumin in our soup
  • Booger - 4 year old BOTH boy, sib to Felpsy, Twin to....
  • Princess - 4 year old BOTH girl. Diva,